We hope you have a fabulous Fourth! However, that might be difficult if you encounter anything from the Top Things You Don't Want to Hear on the Fourth of July.
Not to be a downer, but isn't it ironic we're celebrating our country's birth while watching it slowly die?
Sorry, we're out of sparklers but I have a few E-cigarettes you could wave around.
When I told you to come to my party dressed as a "patriot," I didn't think you'd soak yourself in blood and show up as Aaron Hernandez.
Check it out: Pawpaw's wearing his patriotic body thong!
In charge of tonight's fireworks display is the pyro team from Great White.
Oops, mistimed the cherry bomb. Anyone seen my thumb?
So, I said, "Trichinosis, Schmichinosis. If hotdogs are a nine cents a pound, you'd better believe I'm buying them!"
We really should make this a global holiday. That way, everyone will get to see how much better America is than the rest of the world.
Of course I understand the significance of the holiday. And to prove it, I'm going to shoot that English guy.
Thanks for the invitation to the barbecue, neighbor. By the way, enjoy this holiday, because it'll be your last, you godless infidel.
Sorry, this is an alcohol-free barbeque. But please help yourself to all the kombucha you want.
Hey, neighbor. Just thought you should know that Lil' Wayne just ripped the flag off your front porch and now he's dancing on it.
That sound isn't fireworks. I'm lactose-intolerant.
Crank up the Bieber!